Revision Strategies

This essay that I have done revisions on is important as I have extended my knowledge towards the intelligence of chimpanzees and the issues that they face concerning their survival. This literature is also significant because I am advocating against the bushmeat trade which is affecting the chimpanzee population in a crucial way. In the review I prove how intelligent these animals are within their social communities and provide a case for why humans should treat these animals with care.

Here is a link to my full length draft of the literature review.

These are the 6 ways I revised advocacy paper.

1.Introductory paragraph revision

For my introductory paragraph I started with a fact about how chimpanzees share 99% of dna with humans. I believe it helped get thee readers attention and helped me start introducing the literature review.

Below is a screenshot of the revision of my introductory sentence beginning with a statistic.

2.Cutting down methods of research articles

I believe I went too in depth explaining the research methods in some of the research articles in my Big 3. I cut it down to let the audience have an easier time reading and deducting the main point of the articles.

Below is a screenshot of me deleting the confusing part of my methods explanation.

3. Adding the titles of the Articles

I had to add the title of the articles I was reviewing so that the reader knows it's a credible source. I feel like it helps introduce the article better as well. Below are two examples of me doing this.

4. Adding A Philosophical Question Section

While looking at my peer reviewed article, I realized I did not organize my philosophical question section clearly and had to redo this on my AP. I believe I made it more clear and easier to follow.

5. Clearing up my theme going into the literature review

Going into my literature I was writing about the problem between having chimpanzees captive which my peer reviewer thought was off topic since my problem was about the bushmeat trade, not about the captivity of chimpanzees. I revised my concluding sentence to make things more clear for the reader.

6. Leading into problem section smoother

I revised a couple sentences and made a new sentence helping the reader understand the severity and commitment that bushmeat hunters really have to killing chimpanzee's for a living. I wanted the reader to realize that stopping these people is not as easy as it sounds.

Here the before and after is shown highlighted and also shown where I deleted what I wrote before.

Here it shows where I cut out the confusing part of my lit review and put some clarification after it.

Here it shows where I added the titles of the articles when they were not there before.

Here is where I added the philosophical question and reorganized my essay.

Here it shows what I cut out from before, and added after to make my theme clearer.

Here I add some sentences to transition into the problem section better.